Hummingbird Journals

October 8, 2010

Minor gifted me a pouch with crystals and sea salt. I was able to use it during the dedication today. The interpretor explained that the crystals are an amplifier of our prayers and a way to connect with the spirit world. My mother used to share the old wives tale thatsalt over the shoulder brought good luck and keeps the house clean of bad spirits. It was wonderful to share in such a meanignful way and all my team mates thought I had planned in advance. I was grateful to be the messenger of Minor’s love.

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/493b59ae2d8e377aece5db088ae8aa31/video/19076511

October 10, 2010

I ventured out to get food today and was pleased to recognize that my experience in Cusco has relieved much of my anxiety about getting lost. I managed to poke around and get my bearings. One of the things that I noticed is how I narrate my experience to help navigate. I am beginning to understand that this is what Caesar was referring to when he commented that I think too much. I am reading a book on meditation by Ram Das on this trip and making an attempt to find the still mind even in the every day activity. I do practice movement meditation with the Tslagi Dance and when I clean, paint or sculpt. So I practiced as I wandered today. I come up with a gazillion reasons to distract my practice and words float through my head incessantly.

My plans to see the monk were postponed until tomorrow. I will leave early for a day trek to see if he will receive me as a student. i will return each evening to my room. It is 15-25 kilometer ride and taking a motorcycle is the least expensive way to travel. Yippee! I will enjoy the freedom and cool air. May even rent one for the rest of the month as I think I trust myself more than someone else at the helm. I will not have to contend with city traffic as my hotel is just a few blocks off the road out of town. That is a blessing.

A Greek salad for lunch in a reliable Canadian restaurant was a welcomed bit of familiarity. I like the Nepalese food, but needed some greens. I will venture out to get veggies and fruit to eat to keep my costs down. I am taking probiotics and have grapefruit seed extract on hand.  The heat is almost unbearable, even with clothing made of gauze. So much for 70′s during the day. My skin is aging even with sun screen. It is a good thing that I find the leather bag look sexy:) I sweat all day until the sun goes down and the Indian spices have changed my scent. I am truly feeling Napali! It is difficult for an aromatherapist to dismiss. I am getting used to the new me, but every once in a while I look around to see who I am sniffing.

Today is 10-10-10 and I am planning to do a ceremony at sunset. I will walk down to the lake nearby. I am grateful to have nature close at hand. I created a Medicine wheel for all of you at the work site and will do another this evening so know that I am holding you in prayer and sending you love and light from around the globe.

October 11, 2010

I went early this morning to visit a Shaman in a Tibetan refugee camp. When I arrived, I was asked to wait in his home as he was with another patient. His daughter, Danzin, spoke fluent English and was truly a treasure. She was home for 15 days from school in Kathmandu. She reminded me of myself when I was her age. She is torn between continuing her education and joining a Tibetan religious life. Our conversation was deep and meaningful, yet lighthearted. I felt such kindredness to her, unlike what I have felt with very many people in my life. Once again the wonder of it all fills me. The arrow hitting the target of my dreams and desires.

She has a dream of recording her father’s stories of what Tibet was life before the occupation. She feels a longing to share the teachings her father shares with her passed down from 100 BC. We sat together for an hour and then after my session she walked me around the small encampment answering all of my questions with a willing smile. So eager to share. It reminded me of a time when I walked Markham through a Catholic church, explaining everything I could about the symbolism behind the rituals and ceremonies.

When it was time for her father to receive me, I told him that my shoulder was aching. I had wondered in the past few days if I had dislocated it or just pulled a muscle. I also reported a need to have my lungs cleared as I have been wheezing and hacking since my arrival. The mold and mildew of Peru have compromised them, and they have always been my weak spot. Tropical climates are hard on my body, which is a comment he shared with me after the session. Twice during ceremonies, the grief held in my lungs has surfaced to be cleared.

His assistant prepared the altar, which he allowed me to video, and then I was asked to put my camera away. Two other women were in the room and, as fate would have it, I had been helpful to one of them who was trying to find her friend at the build. I recognized her and reminded her of our interaction. She is from Utah and has been to this village every year making a documentary and trying to help these people. Danzin had explained that although they are allowed to live peacefully in their village, they have little opportunity for advancement without citizenship and cannot leave the country. They are looked down upon in a Hindu cast system as being below the lowest, and it impacts self-esteem and desire to live outside the familiarity of the refugee camp. She spoke of her longing to resurrect what life was like when her people lived in tents and roamed the mountains of Tibet. All romantic notions of a 16 year old who has been enthralled by her father’s recollections of a happier time when their people were free and had a strong cultural identity.

I hesitate to share my experience during the healing, but suffice it to say that it felt very authentic and powerful. I tried to empty out and meditate throughout the experience holding the empty mind. Her father’s aura was all over the place and for a brief moment, I felt as if I was being sucked into a tornado with energy swirling from within my body and lifting me into a delirious, disoriented expansion.

Halfway through the seeion, he put a bizarre looking hat on his head and became other wordly. His face became fierce and the whites of his eyes looked cloudy blue. It was a little disconcerting as the intensity was directed at me as he commanded me to do different things to give him access to my injuries. Much like the Lakota medicine man I worked with long ago, his techniques mirrored almost exactly what I have witnessed. I was unsettled and a little panicked as the crescendo of the drumming, bell ringing and chanting escalated. People were shouting translations to me and being halfway between worlds, there was a delay in my ability to respond. I was not resisting, I just had trouble processing what was being asked of me. The fierceness in his eyes prompted a little fear and my heart rate pounded as he touched different acupressure points. My cognitive mind was trying ot memorize his movements so I could repeat them for myself. After the session, I could not retrieve any information that I had tried to save. I was grateful that it was over.

His daughter, the assistant and the two women present were all reminding me of his recommendations which all seemed rote and not specific to my situation. With the exception of an ointment he told me to purchase at the apothecary. I am currently following the instructions to let the sun activate the ointment for 30 minutes.

To say that it was an intense experience would be an understatement! After following his prescription to do a chant 108 times 3 times a day, I fell asleep in my room at 1:30 today. Escaping into the unconscious world was welcomed relief as my mind was spinning with all that has transpired. The number 108 was used in ceremonies from the Lakota and Andean ceremonies I have experienced, and I am reassured that unification is in process on planet Earth.

In my enthusiasm, I offered him the same amount of money that I get paid for a pampering session which was probably inappropriate as it translates into a lot more in rupies. My heart wanted to give him the same appreciation that people express for my healing.

I did not experience any miraculous healing, but it sure was a movie in 3D. I am curious about what is in the ointment I bought for about 30 cents. It is soothing the ache that has been waking me up the past few nights.

This trip would not have been possible without your generosity, and it has inspired a lot of gifting on my part. I never asked if I could learn with him, but I am scheduled to return in three days.

I took a video of riding the community bus down for you to experience. It is a trip. You will also get the thrilling experience in a taxi following a motorcycle with a guy holding a ladder. I thought it was going to come sailing through the windshield when we made a sudden stop. Needless to say, I am grateful that I got home in one piece.

The wonderful thing about having these cultural experiences is that each of them is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The drawback is that they inevitably involve diarrhea, so I will be sticking close to my toilet tonight drinking juice and GSE.

October 11, 2010

To: soul spirit
From: Suzanne
good morning. Thank you so much for your kind invitation to be with your family for the festival. It was my honor and great privilege to join you. It made me very happy to see how you live. I had said a prayer during our ceremony that I would have the opportunity to learn about your culture and your invitation is the answer to that prayer. I hope that I will be in Pokhara for Dashain and then I will make arrangements to spend the night.
I want to apologize for the confusion and for having you drive me home in the rain. I was embarrassed to say the reason, but I want you to understand why it was important. It was my time of the month and at my age that can cause problems. I did not have the proper supplies with me and I did not want to make a mess in your sister’s house.
I also want to say I am sorry for talking so much at dinner. I realized too late that it is the opposite in your culture. In America the family is away from each other all day and when we come together at supper we talk about our day and what we did or learned. It is the biggest time for talking in our day. So please tell your sisters that next time I will know to concentrate on the food. Please tell them that I liked it very much and it was fun for me to try to eat with my fingers.
I love you all in my heart and want to see you again soon. i have to go now, but i will tell you my plans as soon as i know them. Thank you for being part of my adventure.
I am curious about why you put soul in your email address.
Your new friend and mother, Suzanne

To: Suzanne
From: soul spirit
Goodaftarnoon mum
Thanks alot mum for your lovely email i got it in the noon it makes me really happy much more than you and thanks alot for your acceptance of my invitation.Me too feeling so great being a part of my mum while praying at the park in the peace moment and thanks alot for your invitation for praying.
And mum there is nothing to be worried about the situatin of last night every thing is happend so much better all my sisters are loving you too and in that moment rain little bit disturb our journey but iam not thinking it as a disturbance i thought god is welcoming for our relation and friendship so iam much more happy in that moment really that is a unforgottable moment and mum please dont say sorry for the dinner and soo on it is our responsibility to respect our guest even i am your son so how you can say like that mum? i thought to do this it is my great responsibility towards my mum.
Ok mum plz let me know your plan and let me see what will happen hope to see you soon
thanks alot once again for your kind remembrence for your son /friend umesh
i love you too and missyou soo much bbye take care
and forgive me for my mistakes

regards .
your 4th son
umesh

October 12, 2010

The most common conversation I have experienced with men is about Nepal being a developing nation. It is a topic that follows a greeting as if they are trying to catch up with the Western world and agreement in the discussion will pass the baton in the relay race. The topic is always discussed with a determination to prove that they are capable of advancing in mimicking the modern world. I tell them that the apple is rotten on the inside and warn them about maintaining a balance of values that honor their cultural identity. Measuring success is important to the pride of these men, from the President, whom I listened to at the Habitat build, to the business man and the taxi drivers. The ego driven mind supersedes the surrender of receptivity. I can feel the yin of the Eastern Culture being usurped before my very eyes. 

It makes me wonder what is driving this comparison all over the world and setting the standard. Even in the village homes there is a television on most of the time. I can not help but see its detrimental effect. The number of educational choices is vastly outnumbered by ignorant programs. It creates the context for the ceaseless desire to have what is out of reach for so many. It portrays the worst of human behaviors as normal and perpetuates the propaganda machine. Driven by fear and lack, it presents consumerism as the solution to fill the empty well of self esteem. Computers feel different to me as they are more interactive and afford a broader spectrum of choice in terms of propaganda. They are also better vehicles for social change and unification. Computers represent freedom with access to free services and information across the spectrum. If education and literacy are the key to advancement, the computer is a far better vehicle of technology. It would be wonderful if they could make television obsolete.

Umesh’s neighbor made a comment that I find interesting, especially in light of my quest. He implicated superstition as the biggest detriment to progress. He noted that the Western world had outgrown childish fears and had the courage to lead the world into the future. Science has effectively dismissed superstition in our culture. As I reflect on my experience with the shaman yesterday, I can see his point and am seeking some equilibrium. A pinnacle point between the limitations imposed by superstition and the power of believing in the spirit world and its influence upon us. I am certain, after my experience yesterday, that a shaman becomes the conduit for the spirit to move through. I have touched upon it in my own channeling. Much of the experience yesterday was designed to illicit a sense of smallness in the presence of this greater power. I can only assume that the person who learns to surrender themselves to the work can call in malevolence as well as goodness. 

Umesh’s sisters inquired if I was a witch. I responded that I am a healer and that I give my conscious awareness only to love and light. In contemplating the possibility of bad spirits, we extend an invitation. So although I don’t deny that evil exists, I don’t entertain the thoughts. I turn my attention to the inspiration of people like Mother Theresa, Jesus and Mother Mary, White Buffalo Calf Maiden, Buddha or Krishna who model a focal point of goodness. They were satisfied with my response and warmed up to me after the discourse.

I am going to ask Danzin to beseech her father to instruct me, and I am praying with all my heart that he receives me. In imagining clearing my ego, as he does, I wonder if I am more vulnerable to a host of possible entities. The fierceness and disorientation was certainly part of his effectiveness. Being rattled and shaken out of the cognitive mind to allow for a little superstition seems fundamental to the success of the shaman. So today I am contemplating what I am afraid of in the hopes of filling any chinking in the foundation of my own beliefs. 

The Newtonian era supported scientific evidence as the only proof of existence. Discounting all superstition and validating only the physical aspects of earth. The era of Quantum Physics has arrived and it allows science to embrace a broader spectrum than just the physical. I am certain it will provide the “evidence” to support what the shamans have been doing all along.

October 13, 2010

Umesh took me to the temple of Shiva today. I was thrilled to make an offering and to know how to return on my own. It is within walking distance from my hotel so I will visit again when I can build a medicine wheel and pray.

Many years ago I was praying to the Wakeyons (Thunderbeings) and I had a vision of Shiva/Shakti dancing. At the time I knew nothing about the Hindu God/Goddess. I later came to know that they represent the same concepts.

They help us to die to self and to quiet the ego mind, putting it in right relationship with the heart. In dancing with the Divine we burn away the aspects of our personality that limit or block our true spiritual identity. In this way we are humbled and develop compassion. We char away our personality into ashes that we offer up to Creator.

Om nama 0m na ma Shiva mia

October 15, 2010

Tanzin was happy to see me when I returned to the refugee camp. She said her father, Nmiya, was worried I would not return when I did not come yesterday. He had counted Monday in the three days. I informed him that my arm was completely cured the same day as his treatment but I was still having difficulty with my lungs. He said it was because the disease was very old. I had pneumonia 5 times in one year as a teenager. I was hospitalized for a week after being delirious from fever. I have often wondered if it was my first experience of walking between the worlds. He also indicated there was a problem with my womb and I am indeed in the midst of menopause and experiencing irregularity. I also inquired if he could teach me a simple cleansing ceremony that I could take back to my community. He asked what experience I have had with shamanism. I explained in detail the ceremonies I have supported and the initiations I have undergone. I also showed Tanzin the scars on my arms from skin offerings. Her eyes widened with recognition as flesh offerings are also a part of the Tibetan traditions. When she began translating, her father raised his hand and said that the spirits were listening.

He and his brother Karma, who assists him, began the session. Perhaps it’s “never as good as the first time”, or maybe the chanting he asked me to do kept me in the cognitive realm, but I never dropped into the drumming or felt the disorienting expansion as I had the first day. The session went quickly, he extracted two black worms from my lungs, and already I am much improved.

After the session, he sat close to me and his eyes were soft and gentle as he explained the answer to my question. So different from the fiery fierceness of the distant blue gaze of the other day. Like a father trying to soften the blow of disappointment, he told me that he could not teach me because he saw no Tibetan features in my face and the spirits had informed him that I had no past lives as a Tibetan. He could not pass down information without a lineage. He encouraged me to continue to do the healing work I offer in America saying that it would benefit many people. He acknowledged my kind heart and compassion and said that if I continue in this manner I would gain power.

He repeated several times that Buddha was the Supreme Being and if I prayed to him and made a connection, I would strengthen my ability to serve my higher self as a medium. So I will add Buddha to my long list of helpers before doing my sessions. I felt naked as he read my thoughts about hierarchy. I believe that we all sit in the same circle. I am a religion of one and I am not looking to recruit anyone. I believe that each of us has to sort it out for ourselves and find our own way home. He answered my thoughts by saying that it was good that I had no prejudice and that I was open to learning about all ways to worship, but if I did not put Buddha first I would never advance in power. 

He explained that I should not wear street clothes when doing healing work and pointed to his own regalia saying that it is his clothing that gives him power. For a moment, I wished that I were wearing my hummingbird sarong. I wear them because they connect me with my personal power. His words sank in with acceptance.

After, I asked if I could share ceremony with him and build a Medicine Wheel to bless his house. He was enthusiastic as I set up my altar he gathered his family. Karma, a leprechaun looking man, had a look of innocent wonder in his eyes as I took items out of my bag and placed them on the altar. Tanzin was curious and asked questions so I explained about the ceremony as she translated. Her mother exclaimed with excitement that she had sage to smudge with too. I must admit that I was hopeful that he would reconsider after experiencing the ceremony, but just as we were ready to begin a local person arrived in need and he and Karma were called away. There was some satisfaction in my desire to integrate earth-honoring ways to have his drumming in the background. Umesh was proud to offer his prayers without instruction and the rest of the group were quick learners. I gave information about each item and its purpose as I returned them to my bag.

I had planned to stay until 4pm and asked Umesh to return for me. I was paying him for his time and had filled his gas tank. I wanted to pray for these people and offer everyone reflexology sessions. Umesh could not justify going home and coming back and I had consoled myself with the thought that I was lessening my carbon footprint. After the ceremony, he was eager to leave and I reminded him that I still wanted to build a Medicine Wheel. It would take an hour or more to invoke each name. I was hoping this delay would encourage him to leave me there, but he said he would wait. Like a puppy wagging his tail, he asked if he could gather the stones. I explained that I had to ask each stone to serve a specific purpose. Each time I returned he asked again, eager to contribute. Realizing I was one stone short I asked him to get one after asking the stone for permission. He danced off like the teacher’s pet to retrieve it.

I took my list out of my pocket and he asked for my camera saying that he wanted my people to see my love for them. It was a good lesson, as recognition is always a hindrance for me. I had difficulty concentrating as the shudder clicked incessantly in the background. This was clearly a time when I did not feel a need to be watched. He was eventually satisfied and went to sit in the shade. The heat was piercing on my back as sweat poured off me. I laid my head on a stone as I thought about the sacrifice these people had made in leaving their homeland behind. The massive peaks of the Annapurna range on the horizon as a reminder of the long and dangerous trek these people made in order to reach safety. I prayed for all the indigenous people who have witnessed genocide and the exile from their way of life. Indeed, it will take Divine intervention to return these people to live peacefully once again in their native land. I prayed that the evil of their oppressors would be replaced by the expansion of compassion in their hearts. I prayed that one day diversity would truly be honored for all earth honoring people from every nation.

Nmiya had finished his session while I was chanting and singing a Lakota song that honors the good, bad and indifferent that brings us to this moment in time. He had given Umesh instructions to return with rice and he would make a ceremony to heal his lovesick heart and bring him and his girlfriend close despite the many miles between them. Umesh greeted me with a big smile as he explained what he was asked to do.

Nmiya asked if I could stay for tea. My heart longed to sit and visit with him, but knowing that I was delaying Umesh from his responsibilities, I declined. When I went to hug Tanzin goodbye she said she was very happy because she had learned a lot today. I asked her where I could buy some prayer beads to make it easier to keep count during my chanting. I showed her how I had been typing a letter for each chant on my Blackberry and her robust laughter was like bells ringing. Her mother said she had some for sale and returned with four that were close to her heart. She narrowed the choices down to one she had used for ten years that she could part with. It cost the exact amount I had in my pocket so it must have been destiny. She showed me how to count to a thousand and so my lofty goal has been set. 

As I drove away, I reflected on my experience. Tanzin’s enthusiasm for learning offered consolation. There is a story around my birth that assures me that I am a healer, but I have often wondered if I am a shaman wannabe. Perhaps being satisfied with my path as a teacher is the task at hand. Leaving empty handed after the long journey was disappointing, but the hourglass of my time here is only half-empty. I will continue to pray that I connect with a teacher who is willing to see the promise in me despite my nationality.

October 16, 2010

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/1316c91a9c04d9969096c8f53c59703c/video/20010441

October 16, 2010

Nmayi prepares for the healing session. You can see the ancient hat he wears as his regalia.

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/66a66b1296d4e698841f9a5f32141f3f/video/20010201

October 16, 2010

I went to the park to build a Medicine Wheel to pray for you and founf this Ancient wheel right away. Serendipity guides me where I need to be.

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/c6958a028a55a20f5eda085079ff6c70/video/20010931